Horoscopes May 2008

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
You’re the bold confidence one, defying everyone’s rules. No one can hold you to a single standard. In your eyes there are no boundaries. Sometimes you can forget there are any rules at all. But, my dear Leo, please keep in mind the indecent exposure laws in your jurisdiction, the very next time you’re in your sex swing above your bed. Do us all a favor and close your blinds! No one wants to see what you got, especially when you’re in it by yourself!

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Demanding and stern, why would anyone follow you? It looks like you know what you’re doing, but in reality, you haven’t a fucking clue. You can prance and shashay your ass all across the stage, but you are not fooling anyone. We all know your goose is cooked. But in this case, its’ black and burnt to a crisp.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
You are always looking for hot action, but you don’t have the electricity. I look at you and all I see is a lame duck. You don’t excite me, or anyone else for that matter, even if I force myself to. There’s no spark. Not even a million gallons of gasoline and matches could start a flame. You’re an ice QUEEN!

Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21)
You are always trying to please people. Running around doing this and that. Ignoring yourself like a rag doll. Tell them all to fuck off. You don’t have to be nice and considerate. Be rude and obnoxious. Let ‘em know who’s the BOSS !!

Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21)
When we were going out, you never showed interest. Now you want it every chance I can dish it out. How did the tables turn so drastically? Is it because you have a boyfriend who supports you now? You spend all day thinking and dreaming about the “Magic Stick”? When he’s at work you call ole daddy over to give you what you really need. Afterwards, you’re always satisfied, a radiant smile across your face. So…………………same time next week?

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You never follow directions. If I tell you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. Maybe you just can’t hear because you’re high all the time. Sometimes I don’t know if you’re coming or going. Is it the booze or Benedryll that has you so drowsy? It sure seems like your eyes need toothpicks.

Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18)
You don’t have a good memory. If you’re screwing someone one day you don’t remember his or her name the next. You appear to be on top of your game. Everything’s in line, in perfect order, at first glance. But first impressions are deceiving. Your brain is always out to lunch, just like your bulging midsection.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You are so desperate; it's shameful. What do you think you’re doing? You always settle for less. You deserve better than that. Too bad you don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend it.

Aries (Mar 21- April 19)
You have so much potential. I see the spark in your eyes. I’ve never seen you in this light before. Different sensations run through my body, only you can understand. Eyes closed and deep heavy breaths, two dirty knees are all you got to show for it. This is wonderful work you’re doing, serving your country. As you make your way across America, you should be commended and given accolades. Servicing your countrymen, one man at a time.

Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)
You take things out of proportion. You never think! You must be a blonde. What is up with you? You give a new meaning to the term, being thrown to the wolves. Chances are good to none, you don’t even know what that means, let alone spell IT! Trash on the curb, becomes your new kitchen, living room and bedroom set. What kind of glasses are you wearing? Are you surprised no one wants to visit you?

Gemini (May 21- Jun 21)
You are a number 2 on the excitement scale of 10. Why are you so lack luster? I just don’t get it. I have tried and failed. You don’t return calls, your conversations are absolutely boring (I’m glad you didn’t call, I would not have answered) Talk about a disaster in the making. I suggested fun things to do, but you never capitulated anything worthwhile. So I’m done. I wash my hands of you, you ole sour smelly dishrag!

Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Congratulations, you’ve just been accepted to Loser University. Your classes will consist of: Bullshitting, Sleeping, Laziness, Fucking People Over, Avoiding People Until You Really Need Something, Eating Cheese & Mayonnaise 24/7 Until your pants buttons pop off, How To Find Dates On Eharmony.com, And how to stop buying all this crap from ebay and all those other sites, that you don’t really need in the first damn place, while your car is falling apart as we speak.